I feel as if I am at constant war with myself, battling between what I know and what I continue to forget. I'm struggling to remember that it is okay to fail. It is okay to fall down because it gives me one more chance to stand up again. I fail to remember that all great discoveries are born from mountains of disappointments. I fail to remember that greatnesss coincides with weaknesses and fear and disparity.
This battle...I'm fighting a battle that I cannot call losing and not yet winning. I see no end, but I know there must be one for me. I'm struggling with myself and it's hard and that must be okay. It has to be okay. I have to be okay to get through this because so many people count on me to succeed. I have to remember the Peace Corps and the lives they save. I have to remember my parents and my life they saved. I have to remember where I came from and where I want to go in order to stay sane where I am. For my sake, for right now, I need to be okay. At least for just a second before it turns into a minute then an hour then a day, a month, and a year...maybe then a decade. I'm fighting this battle of contradictions in myself. The self-loathing and the confidence. The philosopher and the physicist. The natural state of disorder and then evolution of togetherness. It's all a big responsibility. I'm scared that I see failure when I look in the mirror. I am afraid to come home to the people who love me because I am afraid that I have failed them. I am afraid to break their hearts again, their spirits again as mine did when I looked in the mirror today.
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