Green

I'm not completely exactly sure how to put the words together to express how I'm feeling. Upset, indubitably. But this feeling that I feel feels inexplicable by nature as if I'm denying myself the ability to fully come to terms with the situation of where I've landed myself in terms of academics, friendship, and psychological stability. Something is wrong with me as it's always been and I can't help to shake the feeling of wanting to leave all over again. I want to get off the peninsula and towards wherever else and right now I'm thinking Portland, but I really don't know. I don't know what I'm feeling here or there . I can't articulate what is good for me or wrong or right. All I know is that there is a ball of lead in my stomach right now and I don't know what will happen next and this feeling that I felt all those months ago, the sheer excitement, is gone.