We are not friends

For a long time, I thought that we were friends. The beginning was nice. It was casual with pretty dresses and wry smiles and good arguments. The beginning of everything is damn nice. And towards the middle we shared our problems and talked about the serious stuff and made promises that we couldn't keep.

For a long time, I thought this was friendship. I thought that you and me would be okay not talking for awhile because you did your thing and I did mine and it was good to be able to say, "Hey, I don't talk to my best friend everyday and that's fucking fine." Let's be honest, it's been kind of shitty.

I pushed the idea back that maybe I'm just overreacting again. I might just be dramatic and crazy and sensitive...all the things I hate in myself. So I pushed the idea back, pushed back the thought that we are not friends. We have not been friends for a long time, you and me. We stopped talking, and stopped thinking about what we'd talk about next, and how the other person might be feeling at some random given moment.

Maybe it was just me at the beginning who felt all that crazy stuff because I tend to do that a whole lot. It makes me sad, if I'm being totally honest. If I'm being super honest, I don't really know if I'm mad at you or if I'm mad at me for giving so many fucks from the start of something doomed.

We used to know each other. We could have been friends, but you haven't texted me anything meaningful in awhile...just a nonchalant, "hey, how've you been?" followed by silence while I listen in on the faint chatter on your end of the conversation with other people.

I meant to tell you how I felt, but I couldn't do it because you're doing so well now with your health and your school and your new friends. I'm glad I didn't find you by the river, hanging on a tree. I'm glad, and that's what I tell myself because if I admit otherwise, I'd really have to reevaluate myself as a person and that's something I cannot do without you.

We are not friends. We have not been friends for a long time now. I had to let the world know somehow.